Courtship

Courtship is a transitional relationship between a man and a woman who tend toward marriage. It is the relationship between two people in love who wish to know each other better to see if they will marry.

Courtship is a very beautiful stage of life whose main characteristic is falling in love, which includes several attitudes:

• Frequent thought of the beloved, who appears idealized and wonderful. The desire to see them, to talk, to be together. The desire to please the one loved.
• Intense planning to achieve the above goals (pleasing, meeting...), with slight neglect of other duties.
• Intense feelings and emotions in the real or imagined presence of the beloved.
• The desire to serve and seek the good of the beloved. This is characteristic of authentic love, while the previous points are somewhat unstable and proper to love-as-feeling, which is also correct if handled well.

Between a man and a woman there is professional, family, sports-related contact, etc. None of these is a courtship. For it to be one, it must be an affective relationship with a view to marriage.

Normally this name is only applied to a somewhat stable relationship where marriage is seen as possible. Other affective relationships between a man and a woman receive different names. For example, one may speak of acquaintances, friends, going out together, being a couple, etc.

Love almost never implies sex. Brothers love each other; a mother loves her children; a man loves his company and his friends. Even in a marriage where they love each other very much, they do not usually think about sex habitually.

No. No. Courtship is a time for greater knowledge with a view to deciding whom to marry. It is about seeing whether one wishes to live one's whole life with that person. Whoever only seeks sex in that relationship should go to places of public sale, and thus not mistreat the feelings of someone who desires a relationship between persons.

In all adulteries both want it and it is certainly not a valid motive. Sex depends on the human will only in part. Sexuality has its own rules established by the Creator.

If normal young women heard this question, they would walk away in disgust from that man. And vice versa.

The dignity of the human body requires that it not be an object of use or exchange. One's own body should only be given to someone when there is previously a firm commitment, before witnesses (a wedding), to love forever and exclusively. A transitory bodily donation is a loss of dignity for the body — for the person.

Theoretically it would suffice but not in reality, since sometimes words are carried away by the wind. For this reason it is advisable that important commitments have witnesses. Taught by experience, the Church requires that marriage be public and before the pastor. Civil laws require something similar.

That is true, and a friend from Argentina reminded me of it. For this reason people in love find it hard to understand these things. The problem lies in the word "thinks" and in the fact that human thought does not always become reality. Hence for something as serious as giving one's own body it is necessary to be more certain, with that public commitment.

8. On the other hand, true love does not look for excuses to use sex as much as possible. Authentic affection does not seek its own selfish pleasure, but thinks more of serving the beloved person with whatever effort is necessary.

What you would not want your parents to know. What you would not like done to your sister. What you would not like to see in the newspapers. Do you want to have a child now?

A charming phrase often states that the enemies of courtship are three: solitude, darkness and the car. Precautions should increase in times of greater sensitivity and in cases of early courtship.

Premarital relations do not provide knowledge. They rather make it difficult to know the other person, who becomes merely someone who provides pleasures. (And no one guarantees they will be pre-marital.)

Sleeping together without being married is a fairly clear mistake. On the other hand, it is harder to understand that other more or less limited sexual pleasures are also incorrect. The explanation would be similar. In any case, regarding these pleasures one can consult the topic of sex.

Imagine a girl who has had several boyfriends. Her situation is very different depending on what they have done with her. The young woman who has defended her body arrives at marriage with greater dignity, and her husband is proud of her. Something similar can be said of young men.

If one gets used to having sexual relations without being married, after the wedding one may continue doing it with other people.

There are people who quickly reach the maturity, self-mastery and capacity for sacrifice necessary for loving and marrying. But in general, early courtship is not advisable:

• It is not advisable for courtship to last many years because of the danger of excessive familiarity.
• At younger ages there is usually less self-control and it is harder to overcome the temptations to impurity present in that intense relationship.
• At those ages love and pleasure or liking are more easily confused. If those appetites are encouraged, the heart becomes selfish and in the future it will be harder for genuine self-giving and sacrifice, proper to true love and authentic courtship.
• To love someone is to desire their good, even at the cost of personal effort. Love includes the ability to sacrifice oneself, and a good training is waiting. Respecting oneself, loving each other, knowing oneself loved, and knowing how to wait.
• Nature presents its bill when its normal rhythms are altered; (natural law).

Normally this tends to be in the same area where what is natural is damaged. When the natural process is disturbed, it is harder to continue it because first one needs to repair the damage. Examples:

• Suppose another person confused love with pleasures. Nature's bill is a great difficulty in truly loving. Selfishness damages the heart, and fixing it demands more effort than if it had not been damaged.
• Something similar happens in the case of someone who trivializes and plays around in relationships with people of the opposite sex (today with one, tomorrow with another). Nature's bill consists of a greater difficulty in achieving a stable relationship, due to the acquired habit of frivolity. Added to this are problems at work since it is hard to be responsible (responsibility) for someone who did not know how to be so in a matter as serious as courtship.

When courtship is early it usually includes a series of harmful customs:

• Frequently going out partying. And after marriage that tendency continues.
• With early courtship, a person acquires the habit of feeling in love. After the wedding they will keep looking for that feeling they have had for many years. And it will be hard for them to love truly (see types of love). Even if this feeling is not found within marriage, one may look for it outside.
• If a person devotes many years to seeking and having boyfriends or girlfriends, they may maintain that habit after the wedding.

Before normal courtship, one has lived several years distant from those customs. One has learned to control tastes and feelings. And they are better prepared for after the wedding: The habit of feeling in love is not so indispensable; the habit of looking for a partner has not been excessive; etc.

In general, it is better to space out that contact. It is preferable for boys to enjoy themselves on one side and girls on another; time will make the coincidences more frequent. Some reasons for this initial distance:

• Masculine and feminine personality matures better.
• Separate plans are usually more fun.
• In those years of growth, the heart and mind are somewhat unsettled, calmness is lacking and it is necessary to learn self-control. In those times, contact with persons of the opposite sex is usually counterproductive as it stirs up the head, heart and feelings.
• Initial infatuations are very intense and need distance to learn to love: if love-as-feeling is fed too much, it ends up suffocating love-as-charity, as the heart becomes selfish.

In general this path is usually followed: There is a natural mutual attraction between persons of the opposite sex. That general attraction intensifies toward one person. There is a desire to be with them, to see them, to talk. Up to this point we move in the field of love-as-feeling: this person appeals to me. Soon a desire arises to seek the good for that person, and we begin to enter the territory of love-as-charity. (On the two types of love, see love). A fork appears:

• If the mutual attraction is left uncontrolled, the animal instinct prevails, and sexual pleasures are sought and obtained. In this way, the beloved becomes merely something that gives me pleasure. I value them and use them. This leads to fornication, free love, lovers, etc.
• If selfishness is mastered and steps are taken in service toward that person, love-as-charity increases, and a moment comes when one desires to dedicate one's entire life to the other. This mutual self-giving leads to marriage.

Perhaps a scene from the famous film "Gone with the Wind" will help to understand this. The protagonist was the center of attraction of the men who always surrounded her, to the envy of the other young women. One day she was under some stairs and overheard a conversation between two friends who were coming down talking about her and did not see her. One commented on the success she enjoyed among the young men, and the other replied something like: "Men want her to have fun with, but not to marry."

Some details clarify whether the courtship is focused toward marriage:

• If there is a desire to serve, to help the other, it is a good sign.
• It is also a good sign if one considers the other as the future father or mother of one's children. If one desires to form together the family of one's life.
• On the other hand, it would be a bad path to think of the other only as something pleasant. This is normal at the beginning of courtship, but then it must give way to a perspective of service, of seeking the other's good.

It is important, because it is not simply about looking for friends, but about choosing someone with a view to marriage.

It can, and should be broken off if the person is not the right one.

It is true that the perfect partner does not exist. It is simply a matter of looking for someone sufficiently suitable to form a family with.

A classic recommendation that some mothers give their children is this: "Not so pretty she enchants, not so plain she repels." That is: someone you get along with, since you are going to live with them your whole life; and whose outward appearance does not captivate so much that it prevents the discovery of interior defects, which are also important.

With a view to courtship and marriage, there are two aspects that are perhaps most important:

• Religion and moral values. — Bear in mind that one of the fundamental goals of life is to reach heaven. It is advisable to have people around who help you in that direction, and to avoid obstacles.
• Their stance on children. — We are talking about getting married, about forming a family. That is, the partners should want to have children and raise them.

It is good to treat all people well, but it is not necessary to marry all of them. People who could cause problems in the future marriage should be rejected as partners. For example, one should avoid drug addicts, alcoholics, party-goers, psychopaths, murderers... And of course, not already married.

The more the better. Especially interesting are the qualities that most help the future marriage:

• That they be hard-working and self-sacrificing. — The family gets on with abundant sacrifice and work. Better not to carry it alone. That they have a job, with sufficient income to support the family.
• That they possess qualities and tastes similar to one's own. Or that they have flexibility, capacity for adaptation and for self-correction. That they can change and improve their way of being.
• That they not be a critical or domineering person. Because it is difficult to live with such people. That their manner of relating is acceptable, and their bad moods passing. That they love freedom and are not excessively possessive.

It is advisable to make sure that the family will leave the necessary independence. And the courtship should last a variable time, neither too long nor too short; 9 months is often mentioned (obviously this figure is only indicative).

10. Some examples:

• I am very much in love with a drug addict. Should I continue the courtship? — You should break off the courtship immediately; then cry for a few days; and then look for another man who does not frequent a drugs environment.
• I am very much in love with a very charming and cute lazy person. Should I continue the courtship? — You should put your foot down with the idler. If within a couple of weeks they have not got seriously to work, break it off.
• I am very much in love with a Muslim. Should I continue the courtship? — You should keep in mind that women are very undervalued among Muslims. And in general they do not accept Catholics. It is better to break off that courtship.
• Another case: He tells me that if I leave him he will kill himself. Should I continue the courtship? — That phrase is blackmail. You can break it off without problems. It is better not to marry a potential suicide. In any case, your parents can speak with his parents to prevent the hypothetical suicide.

No, no. After getting married there is no breaking off — instead it is time to endure, to love and to suffer whatever is necessary, because marriage is forever. For this reason, if some serious difficulty is discovered, it is advisable to break off during the courtship.