A. The Highest Love
1. What are the different types of love?
We can distinguish two fundamental kinds of love:
- Emotional love (affection / liking).- This is directed toward people who appeal to us and whom we naturally like. Such affection is sparked by some good quality they possess—their smile, their beauty, their wealth, their sports team, their hometown, etc. Since the fall of man (original sin), even harmful things can exert an attraction over us, though this represents a disordered, counterfeit love.
- Charitable love (benevolent love / charity).- The classical definition of love is this: to love someone is to will their authentic good. Loving means actively seeking the good of the other—for instance, by performing a service for them. This love is far firmer than emotional affection because it does not depend on shifting moods. For this reason, it is entirely possible to love someone even when they are temperamentally disagreeable to us.
2. Are emotional love and charitable love opposed to one another?
Generally, they complement each other; for instance, it is far easier to will the good of someone whom we find naturally pleasant. They come into conflict only when a person overindulges emotional love: in that case, one becomes so preoccupied with what provides personal gratification that the heart turns selfish, forgetting the genuine good of others.
3. Can one love someone without feeling affection, and remain married?
Countless couples do precisely that. Human friendships typically begin with an emotional attraction. Over time, the bond matures and solidifies as charitable love deepens. In marriage, there are inevitably seasons when romantic feelings fluctuate due to arguments, differences of opinion, misunderstandings, and fatigue. Yet the marriage does not collapse into divorce because loyalty endures alongside a deep foundation of charitable love that continues to will the good of the family. If both spouses persevere in seeking the good of the other (charity), spontaneous affection and warmth are almost always rekindled, making life together delightful once again.
4. How is the greatest love recognized?
- First, he loves most who wills the greatest good for the other.
- Second, love is greater when one secures a good for another at the cost of greater personal sacrifice ("Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends").
- The greatest possible sacrifice is to lay down one's own life, and the highest possible good is heaven. Therefore, He loves us most who secures heaven for us by offering His own life in sacrifice: dying on the Cross.
5. Does someone love more by indulging every whim?
Constantly indulging every whim harms people, making them weak, spoiled, and capricious. Hence, whoever indulges them does not truly love them, because he causes them harm. Nevertheless, he may mistakenly believe he is doing them good, which is an erroneous, misguided love. Likewise, someone who indulges every personal craving does not truly love himself well.
6. What are the main obstacles to love?
On this topic, see also heart. In summary, there are two primary obstacles to love:
- Hatred.- It is the direct opposite of charitable love, for to hate someone is to will their harm. The mere absence of spontaneous affection is not hatred: it is quite possible not to feel drawn to someone without wishing them any harm whatsoever.
- Selfishness.- The selfish person loves only himself. Consequently, he loves wrongly, for he shrinks and corrupts his own heart, which was created to love generously and widely.
B. Love and Sexuality
1. Do love and sex always go together?
Love almost never involves sexual intimacy. Siblings love one another; a mother loves her children; a man loves his friends and his work. Even in a marriage where spouses love each other deeply, their day-to-day love is not primarily focused on sex.
2. Does sex contribute to love?
The answer is nuanced and requires thoughtful patience. Sexual intimacy produces intense pleasure, which generates attraction and a desire for repetition. To that extent, it can intensify emotional affection toward the partner. However, this is not inherently morally good, nor does it automatically foster authentic love. Broadly speaking, two scenarios exist:
- The solitary pursuit of sexual gratification fosters egotism and directly opposes authentic love.
- In shared sexual relations, it is easy to treat the other person merely as an instrument for personal pleasure. Here there is abundant selfishness and very little seeking of the other's authentic good, so love is damaged. Yet it is also possible to engage in the marital act by genuinely seeking the good of the spouse, and in that context love is enriched and deepened.
3. When is sexual intimacy directed toward the good of the other?
This distinction is equally subtle. Consider two clear cases:
- Love is elevated when spouses welcome the conception of a child. Here a profound good is sought for the entire family: the newborn receives the gift of life, siblings receive a brother or sister to cherish, and the parents receive the gift of fatherhood and motherhood. A child is always an incomparable blessing that no one ever regrets, despite financial or practical hardships.
- Love is degraded when sexual intimacy is practiced outside of marriage. In that situation, each partner is stripped of intimate vulnerability and bodily integrity without being granted the committed covenant of marriage and parenthood. Selfish gratification predominates, and true love is harmed.
4. Doesn't sexual intimacy during courtship seek the good of both?
It provides mutual physical pleasure, but that pleasure is not a true good for them (gratifying a desire is not always beneficial). Through those acts, they compromise their modesty and dignity without gaining the covenant of marriage, family, and parenthood—only fleeting pleasure. It is therefore a misguided affection that purchases transient pleasure at the cost of lasting harm.
5. Why is personal dignity compromised?
Human dignity in this realm requires several essential things:
- The human body must never be treated as an object of temporary use or exchange (with one partner today, another tomorrow). It should be given only where there is a prior, definitive public commitment before witnesses (marriage) to love each other forever.
- The procreative faculties of the human person possess an exalted noble purpose: to bring new human beings into the world. Utilizing them solely for transient pleasures degrades their inherent purpose.
C. Preserving and Deepening Love
1. Does love require deliberate care?
Yes. Like most human realities, love requires ongoing care and attention to remain vibrant and healthy. This is true both for emotional affection and for charitable love.
2. How can emotional affection be nurtured?
Feelings can be fostered or tempered by the thoughts we choose to dwell upon. For instance, resentment is reinforced by constantly brooding over someone's faults. Similarly, emotional affection flourishes when one deliberately focuses on the positive qualities of the other person. See feelings.
3. How can charitable love be cultivated?
Resolutions of the human will can fade with the passage of time, and charitable love is no exception. To prevent this, one must continually renew the original decision and translate it into consistent action. For example, if someone decides to learn Japanese, he must periodically reaffirm that resolve and dedicate regular time to practice. In the same way, charitable love must be exercised constantly, above all through concrete acts of service that seek the true good of the beloved.
4. Is this particularly important in marriage?
Undoubtedly. The commitment to love each other for a lifetime requires daily renewal, combined with the practical habit of serving one another day in and day out. During courtship, it is customary to anticipate the wishes and good of the beloved; in marriage, this generous disposition must be steadfastly maintained.
5. What about the love of God?
Love for God likewise requires deliberate and loving care. For example, one must cultivate daily practices of piety, direct one's mind and heart toward the Lord, seek His presence throughout the day, speak to Him with affectionate words of prayer, and make sincere offerings of oneself to Him...